Bedtime last night actually gave me a glimmer of hope. He let me snuggle him to sleep instead of me having to hold him down because he's hitting, kicking, and spitting. He held my hands and played with my fingers. He only did the teeth grinding a couple short times, unlike the night before where he did it for 45min straight. Only one time did he try to hit, but I stopped him so he started to spit and I quickly turned him and then he was back to cuddling.
This is so hard. It's exhausting. Sometimes I'm ready to throw in the towel, like yesterday when he wanted to follow Avery around just so he could push her. Other times, I'm ready for the challenge. There are times when he is just the sweetest, funniest little guy and I pray that somewhere in the future, that will be his normal.
This was not a mistake. I know there will be some who think it was (or maybe already do), but this is definitely where we are supposed to be. Is it hard? Absolutely, the hardest thing I've ever done! Here is what I tell myself when the going gets tough: God doesn't call us to find our little corner of the world, make a cozy little house, and live happily ever after. He calls us to all kinds of things and in all kinds of different places. He wants us to have faith in Him and to rest in Him. To find joy in all things. Romans 5:3-5 is stamped on my heart and mind right now: "More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."
This journey we are on right now is also a reflection of what Jesus did for us. Romans 5:8 "but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." God doesn't only love us when we are pleasing to Him. He loves us inspite of ourselves, He died for us while we were still sinners! I take such solace in this. This God who loves me so much and loves Asher so much, is the same God who called me to this journey. He is walking along side me and carrying me when I can't walk.
Again, it's HARD, but it's not a mistake and it's where God has us. I will leave you with these lyrics from Chris Tomlin's song You Are My King:
Amazing love how can it be?
That my King would die for me
Amazing love I know it's true
It's my JOY to honor you"